Category Archives: narcissism

Thankfulness is the Antidote to Narcissism

As my wife Kathy was walking from her arrival gate to the trains at the Denver airport one evening, she observed in one person’s behavior a portrait of our self-centered era. The person was very well-dressed, with every item chosen carefully and labeled just so. As they were speaking on the phone, Kathy heard these words in a loud voice, “O my, it is so noisy here. I think I am going to have a panic attack.”  Kathy was concerned and prepared to help. The next words were all about parties and restaurants and how crazy other people are. This person jauntily walked in another direction, looking at themselves in every reflective space while carrying on an insipid conversation.

In this moment, Kathy saw a microcosm of the self-absorption of modern society. Panic attacks are real and over the years we have helped many who suffer from them. To use such a phrase in casual conversation was foolish and unveils the weaponizing of psychological terms to serve selfish purposes. Obsession with image, selfish obliviousness of all around, and the feeling that the world somehow owes us are all part of the narcissistic playbook.

This same lust for personal gratification and focus on superficial sufferings is the driving force behind the recruitment of vulnerable adolescents into the “welcoming” communities of the gender anarchists. One a good day, adolescence for young women and men is challenging. Wanting to be different from one’s parents and accepted by peers are normal realities, but the radicals take it further, preying on struggles with self-image and hypnotically suggesting one can be any number of genders and even change biological identity.

There is an antidote for these afflictions: Thankfulness. Also understood as gratitude, this is a powerful tonic for personal and social liberation. From the ancient scriptures to modern psychological studies, thankfulness is celebrated as necessary for human flourishing. (See our take on gratitude in our new book, Life in 5D: A New Vision of Discipleship, found at www.discipleshipdynamics.com)

Thankfulness is more than immediate gratitude for current positive circumstances. There are four facets of this amazing characteristic. First, it is a disposition deeply rooted in recognizing that all of life is a gift from the Creator. The giftedness and givenness of life are extraordinary in themselves. The fact we are alive and able to think about these things is extraordinary. We did not create ourselves. Our parents were subcontractors of a divine architect who cares about us from conception to coronation.

A second facet of thankfulness arises from appreciation of the simple blessings we take for granted: food and shelter, family and friends, work and play, and so much more. Even in very distressing circumstances, thankfulness arises from our awareness that we are able to endure and come through such trials a better person.

A third facet is found among those who are serious Christians: thankfulness for our salvation by the grace of God. We cannot earn the favor or merit we need before a holy Lord…but Jesus the Lamb of God has died in our stead and as the Risen Lord he is our Advocate. We are considered just and holy before God!

A fourth (and there are many more) facet of thankfulness comes from realizing that we are new creations in Christ, with a divine purpose and every resource we need to carry out the mission of God in our world. It is astonishing to consider the “divine inefficiency” of using our voices and acts of kindness, our halting speech and imperfect deeds to help repair the world.

This Thanksgiving, let’s remember the Pilgrims and other historical moments of goodness where people cooperated across cultural and ethnic divides. May we humble ourselves, recognize the giftedness of life, and aim to be an answer to the spoken and unspoken prayers of those in need. 

21st Century Leadership, Part 1

One glance at the headlines and we see a global crisis of leadership. In addition to the (alas, the almost expected) personal and institutional corruption and oppression, we are experiencing the consequences of two generations of separating personal and professional ethics, and the displacement of personal agency with the Leviathan of control over so much of life. When one adds ideological polarization to the mix, we have an elixir of exhaustion and hopelessness.

There are hopeful signs amidst the anarchy and soft totalitarianism. At the local and regional level in the USA and Europe, thoughtful people are pushing back against the impositions of elites. In Africa and Asia, a new generation of leaders is emerging and they care more about the basic necessities (education, economic opportunity, and infrastructure) for their people than flying ideological flags and virtue-signaling.

In this essay and the next one, I want to share four enduring facets of good leadership. These apply to all domains, from households to nations, religious communities to corporations.  As we examine these qualities, we must exercise humility and first examine our lives well before evaluating and judging others. Jesus’ words, “judge not, lest you be judged…” were not a call to never evaluate the moral decisions of others. Jesus was telling us not to “pass sentence” on people and think we can accurately assess all that is in their hearts. Too many people are afraid to speak their minds on ethics, while others too quickly condemn what does not feel good to them.

Character – goodness, integrity, and personal wholeness – is the first and most important attribute of excellent leadership. Ancient and modern sages, empirical research, and thoughtful observation yield the same insight: many if not most of the problems of leadership have significant character issues underneath the surface controversies.

Please notice the three markers about character given above. Sometimes good character is undermined by immoral and rebellious behavior, with narcissism and solipsism permeating the soul. Sometimes there is conscious and unconscious fragmentation inside, as people think one set of rules applies to work, another to family, and another to their religion. This is “dis-integration” and a real problem for leaders in public spaces. There can also be deep psychological issues rooted in abuse, rejection, and trauma that undermine character development. And all of these problems can be masked by personal charisma, political skills, and technical expertise.

Good character matters and leaders must keep working on virtue development, integrity, and healing in order to serve well. Progress, not perfection, humility and genuine effort should be the basic norms as we develop and evaluate leaders.

The second facet of good leadership is a thorough understanding of one’s charisms. Here we are speaking of natural and spiritual gifts (all divinely bestowed) that can be developed to serve others. In addition to particular abilities, a sense of calling and purpose (vocation) must inform leadership foci and activities. Sometimes leaders struggle when their particular gifts are not a match for what is needed in a particular setting. Other times, leaders rely on certain gifts to cover character flaws and incompetence. Charisms matter and learning and refining here includes ones’ personality, strengths, narratives of success, along with particular abilities.

Leaders get in trouble when they go outside the boundaries of their overall abilities and attempt to be someone else.  Problems also ensue when gifts are undeveloped or certain expressions are never refined. For example, no matter how much I practice, I cannot and must not aspire to being a singer. But I can keep improving the teaching and writing charisms that are part of my calling.

Good character and wisdom concerning one’s charisms are two facets of good leadership. In the next essay, we will look at two more areas: competencies and capacity. Leadership involves both innate giftedness and developed skills. May we all find our places of influence and flourish as we acquire wisdom and practice love.